Malungkot

Nag-iisa ako ngayon.
Walang ibang taong kasama.

Ganito nga daw ang buhay Amerika
para sa mga taong nagsipunta rito
para makapagsimula muli,
para makatawid sa kahirapan,
para makapagbagong buhay.

Pero may kaakibat palang kalungkutan
na hindi maarok ang kailaliman.
Akala ko noon hindi ko mararanasan.
Ganito pala.

Nag-iisa ako ngayon.
Walang ibang taong kasama.

Walang kasamang makakakuwentuhan.
Walang kaibigang makakabiruan.
Walang kapatid na makakasabay sa hapag-kainan.
Walang magulang na mag-aaruga
sa oras ng pangangailangan.

Nag-iisa ako ngayon.
Walang ibang taong kasama.

Tanging anino ko lamang ang sumusunod
sa bawat kilos ko't hakbang,
isang aninong walang tinig,
walang mukha,
walang nagmamay-ari
- pagkat puso't ulirat ko'y tulala sa pangungulila.

Nag-iisa ako ngayon.
Walang ibang taong kasama.

Ilaw lamang ang nagdudulot ng init
bilang panlaban sa hamog ng gabi.
Tanging mga kurtinang iniihip ng hangin,
ang yumayapos sa nanlalamig kong katawan.

Ang katahimikan ng dilim
ang nagsisilbing kaulayaw
ng manhid kong isipan.
Luha ko ang pumapawi
sa tila walang hanggang kauhawan
ng aking damdamin.

Nag-iisa ako ngayon.
Nag-iisa.

Glad to be Sad

18:05. Los Angeles time. We had just landed on the tarmac of LAX. After 12.5 hours on the plane, I couldn’t believe I was back in L.A. But it wasn’t the kind of disbelief that came with excitement and exhilaration. Somehow, I felt unhappy.

My sister picked me up and took me back to my home in Boyle Heights. After she left for her apartment, I stood still inside mine. I opened a window to let air in and allow the enclosure to breathe after a long while. And then, I took a good look around.

The sofa and bed were neat and tucked as I left them. The fridge was on with a handful of the same items left. The TV and audio systems were still working. Shoes in the rack, books in the shelves, photo frames on the table - all have gathered not enough dust to scribble anything.

Water flows. Lights turn on. I open and close each door in catatonic repetitiveness. An empty hamper. A stack of clothes for ironing. Cupboards with cereal boxes, condiments, kitchenware, and whatnots.

It was quiet, very quiet.

I was alone, very alone.

After a month of having so many people around me, I suddenly found myself with none. It felt desolate. I remember this is the sentiment of new (Filipino) immigrants when they come here. Those not able to endure the loneliness are bound to return home. The melancholy I felt became seed for an aptly titled poem I will post after this.

But I was glad to have felt sad. It meant I need people. “People who need people are the luckiest people in the world,” as a song goes. Soon I will be getting together with relatives, catching up with friends and working with colleagues.

I was glad I felt sad because it gives me a chance to recognize happiness. It is a balance in the order of things: no light without dark, no sorrow without joy, no victory without defeat. It won’t take long to regain my footing and continue towards improving the quality of life I am living.

Happiness is also a state of mind. You take in the external and the internal, and make it work for you and the people around you.

Food, Friends & Family

My brief stay in the Philippines wasn't much of a vacation. Aside from the occasional doctors and therapists visits for Mama, days were mostly spent for errands, particularly leftover things-to-do when Papa died and our family business closed several years ago. I never knew there were fees to pay the city when a family member passes and when you close business. There were also a lot of stuff to arrange and fix after we were asked to move out of our childhood home.

Food was how close it came to vacation. Every supper was made special by my aunt who is from Bulacan, one of many Philippine provinces known for its culinary contribution to Filipino food. When eating out, we feasted on both new stuff and the tried and tested. Food is such a socio-cultural element that it becomes the thread of communication for any type of gathering.

A good friend and former colleague in the TV industry arranged lunch at Sonya’s Garden in Alfonso, Cavite, about 2-3 hours south of Manila. It was an al fresco lunch in a lush tropical setting. People who are crazy about organic food should come here where almost all ingredients - from crisp salad reds, yellows and greens to the free-flowing, freshly-squeezed dalandan juice - are homegrown. The pesto dip was extraordinary. The turon with langka was the perfect finale.

Old friendships from elementary, high school and college were also rekindled. It was time well spent as we updated each other on our current lives and reminisced the old days with the same enthusiasm. Food was at the centerpiece, as always. Stories of yore never seem to grow old as we recalled the same much-enjoyed happenings and laughed at the same old jokes. Time never seemed enough for new stories about new adventures and milestones in our lives.

Most important, there was family. Home is where the heart is, as they say. You don’t have to be somewhere exotic, somewhere expensive, somewhere extraordinary (not that there’s anything wrong with that) to have a wonderful time. My mom, my youngest sister and I found ourselves reunited at Chocolate Kiss Cafe at the University of the Philippines in Quezon City, sans eldest sister and dad. I have to say their new Quezo Chiffon Cake is luxuriously luscious. Go!

Ultimately, no matter where you are, no matter what you do, as long as you are surrounded by people you love and people who love you, the moment is good enough, even though it’s only for a moment.
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Photo in this post is author's property.