I have never had a boyfriend or partner. Anyone asking about my relationship status gets bug-eyed astonished and slack-jawed bewildered with that answer. The predictably inevitable next question is, "Why not?!"
The moment the question is fired and way before I can think of a satisfactory answer, I already get exhausted. To make things easier, I just shrug my shoulders and in a humdrum tone reply, "I don't know."
"Maybe you're too picky," they often surmise.
Doubtful because I don't think my standards are extraordinarily high. The qualities I look for in a man are universal: First of all, he has to be gay and comfortable with it; physically attractive at least to me; a mind that meets mine; a stable job that will see him through retirement; and a personality compatible to mine.And I don't need to make a rundown on likable qualities such as caring, patient, loving, thoughtful, understanding, etc. because who doesn't want someone with those. In these eclectic times of combo meals, bundle offers and package deals, it's pretty much standard.
Interested and interesting parties? There have been a lot.
But the hope of a romantic possibility is always hindered by any of the three: He likes me but I don't like him. I like him but he doesn't like me. He likes me, I like him, but we can't be together for some reason, for example, he's in a relationship already.
Anonymous sex? Coulda, woulda, shoulda but never did. Once again, "Why not?!"
Well, I'm selfish. I don't want to share myself with someone I barely know. Sex is more than an exchange of sweat, saliva and semen. You give away something of you, something of yourself.
I have always wanted to do it within a relationship. I had read about how physically rewarding and emotionally uplifting a sexual experience is if approached with physical and spiritual maturity and responsibility. Those words left an indelible impression, no doubt.
Don't think of me prude, though. I've had my share of lurid intervals. And my finest achievement have always elicited guffaws from my friends - having gotten as far as doing the French. Yeah, yeah. Ha-ha-ha.
And I'm not saying that doing it at the heat of the moment is an impossibility, specially that my age is way past the calendar and I still haven't gotten any. I could all of a sudden get impatient and tired of waiting, realizing belatedly that youth is slipping away faster than I can count my birthday candles.
For all I know a single stimulating moment of consensual, unadulterated lust is all it will take for my bottled-up libido to break free and burst.
Going back to my uneventful romantic/love/sex life, it also doesn't help that I don't have a car.
This pretty much limits my social arena, dating possibilities, and therefore chances of meeting other gay men. I also have never been and don't think will ever be a denizen of the nightclub scene. Second hand smoke and talking at the top of your voice to counter the deafening sound system is not my idea of a good time. But I do know I have to be at places where I can see and be seen.
"Are you sure you're gay?" comes as a last-ditch effort to understand my situation.
It's funny but women had hit on me nicer than men. How much more elated had I been if it were men who uttered pick-up lines from the amiable "You're funny, I like you," to the committal-imbued, albeit subdued "I wish my son could have as good a father as you can be," and the frank appraisal "I have a handsome nurse on my team today!"
Instead, my not-so-fair share of pick-up lines from gay men run from the tediously inane "What time is it?" and "Is this seat taken?" to the explicitly tasteless "Shall I jack-off while you shower?" and the primitively in-your-face "I want to f**k you!"
But to the question regarding my sexual orientation, I can immediately answer with utmost certainty and confidence, "Oh, yeah, baby!" And I can readily give a rundown on guys who get me off.
Perhaps an answer to the conundrum that is my seemingly perpetual singlehood could be that I simply have not connected with anyone.
Connection is very important. I think whatever your external and internal situations and no matter how each of you come across to one another's family and friends, as long as both of you are on the same wavelength, you will inevitably gravitate towards each other. But heck, what do I know? I've never been there.
Physical attraction always comes first. Like a valuation of a piece of art, the first inkling of a possible relationship is eye appeal. But physical attraction doesn't last long. There has to be something to keep the music playing so you both keep on dancing to the same tune.
But when to hear the music? Where to find your man in a crowd of hundreds? How to dance to romance? What to do to keep the song playing?
Remains to be heard, remains to be seen, remains to be learned, remains to be relished.