Hard To Say It’s Over

May binasted ako ngayong gabi. Mahirap pala gawin. Palibhasa first time ko.

I’ve never been in a situation where I’ve had to decline someone so, it was nerve-wracking. I’ve also only recently started to put myself out there so I’ve never really had anybody pursue me - and persistently.

I had sleepless nights thinking about how I was going to break it to him without breaking him. I had to call several friends several times to ask advice. I was really freaking out.

Dapat nga kagabi pa nangyari. Kaya lang may karamdaman siya. And despite cold sweats and an ensuing fever, he said he’d meet me last night because he was really excited to see me.

Buti na lang we called it off. Otherwise, I would’ve been so heartless.

So we met at a local hangout a little while ago and started talking, all the while my pulse was pounding waiting for the right moment to break it.

The point came when he was constantly talking about seeing each other again.

Holding my breath, I let it out in one, slow sweep, “F----... Oh, how am I gonna tell you this? (Sigh) I don’t feel the same way.”

There was a moment of deafening silence.

He looked at me forlorn. His eyes reached for the ground.

“I’m sorry,” I said, as my eyes searched his in an attempt to meet mine and solicit a reply.

He then looked at me and said, “I kind of knew you were going to say that.”

“I feel sad about this,” he continued. “But I’m not mad. I’m just very disappointed because you’re such a wonderful and handsome guy.”

Mabait siya at maalaga. He’s very thoughtful with constant emails, texts and voicemails. He’s also lavish in humor, praise and considerateness.

Pero wala talaga akong nararamdaman, eh. I wish I felt the same way he does but I don't.

But I’m glad he was forward and cool with it. At least, that's the impression I got from him. And I told him I honestly felt more comfortable afterwards.

We talked some more about the common things we enjoy, laughed at our dating deadlock, joked about how awkward I am at dating, pondered about a big life decision he’s about to make, and then called it a night.

We hugged. He kissed me on the cheeks. We promised to keep in touch.

There’s a feeling of heaviness I took with me on my way home. I feel kind of bad letting him down. But I know I will let him down further and feel worse if I mislead him or allow him to hang on to false hope.

I wish there was a better way of saying or going about it but there is none. I only hope he finds the one who truly deserves the lovable person that he is, the one who will be able to see how he deserves to be seen.

I called him thrice later in the evening just to make sure he got home safe and to see how he is doing. No reply on any attempt. So I just left a message.

“Hey, F----. Just calling to make sure you got home safe and that you’re okay. If you’re sleeping already, it’s good that I didn’t wake you. Good night, buddy. Take care. You have a good day tomorrow. Enjoy your weekend.”