I Met Someone In Big Bear: Reflection

I fathomed for comprehension. I sought out for explanation. Until now I’m still empty-handed. I never unequivocally understood why, all of a sudden, “Andy” didn’t want to have anything to do with me after what we shared.

Where did his amorous words come from? What did his acts of passion mean? How could he have made a complete turnaround?

Maybe he has a boyfriend and just wanted to have a go with me. Maybe he’s still in the closet and didn’t want to keep any ties he made. Maybe he’s an asshole. :)

Questions will remain unanswered. Speculations will remain unfounded. For how long, I don’t know and I don’t care. He never replied to me in any way - text, email or phone call. I’ve wrestled enough with confusion. I’m still wondering but I have stopped asking.

It’s been three weeks. I’m better now. I’ve been burned but it’s not that bad. I mean, come on, we only met over the weekend. I’m not going to let this almost stranger get the better of me.

This is the problem with some people like me who have been Single Since Birth or been through only a few relationships. We jump at the first sight of a seemingly ideal partner. We put our hearts out there too fast. We tend to get swept away when - the one we think is the one - is right before us.

Friends tell me:
“It’s going to be alright...”
“You’ll meet someone else...”
“Everything’s gonna be fine...”
"Don't worry, he will come..."

My friends mean well. These words are well-intended. But no offense - I’m kind of fucking sick and fucking tired fucking hearing and fucking reading them. It’s been thirty fucking years. WTF?

{Deep breath} Sorry...

“Andy” didn’t leave me brokenhearted. He didn’t have my heart in the first place. I’m relieved we didn't go all the way. I can’t imagine how devastated I would be if we did and he rejects me. Way to go for my first.

If anything, he left me wiser and bolder. He left me knowing myself better. I guess I’m not a player. I can’t be someone I’m not or don’t want to be.

But I believe that can change as I wish or will. Being a player, there’d be no hang-ups. You can play all you want and never get hurt. Change is constant. Change is good.

Maybe I’ll be a player. No hang-ups. Play all you want. Don't fall in love. Never get hurt.

Or maybe I’ll switch teams. As I've written in Single Since Birth, women give me better pick-up lines than men. And I have the physiological faculty to do what a man’s gotta do on a particular department.

Or maybe I’ll just be single for the long haul. I’ve gotten quite comfortable being uncommitted for the last 30 years of my life anyway.

Or maybe I’ll let a dog into my life again. He’ll be loyal. I’ll be devoted. It’s a perfect unconditional relationship.

Or maybe... just maybe... I need to - just - let - go.

Yeah... I think it’s about time to let go.

I’m going to let myself go.

Bring it on destiny.

I’m ready to play.

I Met Someone In Big Bear Part 1
I Met Someone In Big Bear Part 2
I Met Someone In Big Bear Part 3
I Met Someone In Big Bear: Gratitude

I Met Someone In Big Bear: Gratitude

To all my friends and acquaintances who cheered for me in the beginning;

To all those who followed my story at the center of its gravity;

And to each and everyone of you who consoled me in the end:

Thank you.

It’s amazing how technology keeps people together and touches peoples lives with a push of a button, a swipe of a finger, a voice call transmission.

Your words, both written and spoken, were my shelter from the storm. They served as collective compass that guided me as I went through an emotional limbo.

It’s hard to write about something hurtful, specially when it started beautifully. It's scary to put yourself out there. You'll never know what people will say about you.

If life were a movie, I want to be a scriptwriter. I’m going to change the narrative of “I Met Someone In Big Bear” so the story will go a different direction.

Peter will finally reach a relationship milestone and "Andy" will have found someone he never thought he could ever have.

Or, Peter's inner whore will give in to "Andy's" slutty advances and they consummate their lust inside a car - in the evening and the next morning.

Life is not a movie, though. Endings are not always how we want them to be. Reality bites, as one movie title goes.

But writing truthfully from the heart, no matter how bleak, is cathartic. In the end, the wound heals you. In the end, darkness gives you a better appreciation of enlightenment. In the end, the setback in the present helps you move on towards the future.

To “Andy”, man, you and I would’ve been great. I would’ve given to you everything of me that has been bottled up all these years. But, no. It didn’t turn out that way, did it? You simply left me hanging out in the cold - for no expressed reason.

The only thing I can come up with is: I wasn't ready to give you what you wanted, and you weren't willing to give me what I needed. Our intentions were not aligned. Maybe we'll meet again in the future. Maybe then, we'll both be ready and willing and available - on all terms. Maybe.

Nevertheless, thank you for now being part of my personal history. Big Bear now means more to me than snowboarding in winter and jet-skiing in summer. The fleeting moments of passion we shared in Big Bear will stay with me for as long as I can remember.

I now have a wonderful memory of that quaint little lake village way up high in the mountains where the heavens almost kisses us mere mortals - almost.

I Met Someone In Big Bear Part 1
I Met Someone In Big Bear Part 2
I Met Someone In Big Bear Part 3