I Met Someone In Big Bear: Reflection

I fathomed for comprehension. I sought out for explanation. Until now I’m still empty-handed. I never unequivocally understood why, all of a sudden, “Andy” didn’t want to have anything to do with me after what we shared.

Where did his amorous words come from? What did his acts of passion mean? How could he have made a complete turnaround?

Maybe he has a boyfriend and just wanted to have a go with me. Maybe he’s still in the closet and didn’t want to keep any ties he made. Maybe he’s an asshole. :)

Questions will remain unanswered. Speculations will remain unfounded. For how long, I don’t know and I don’t care. He never replied to me in any way - text, email or phone call. I’ve wrestled enough with confusion. I’m still wondering but I have stopped asking.

It’s been three weeks. I’m better now. I’ve been burned but it’s not that bad. I mean, come on, we only met over the weekend. I’m not going to let this almost stranger get the better of me.

This is the problem with some people like me who have been Single Since Birth or been through only a few relationships. We jump at the first sight of a seemingly ideal partner. We put our hearts out there too fast. We tend to get swept away when - the one we think is the one - is right before us.

Friends tell me:
“It’s going to be alright...”
“You’ll meet someone else...”
“Everything’s gonna be fine...”
"Don't worry, he will come..."

My friends mean well. These words are well-intended. But no offense - I’m kind of fucking sick and fucking tired fucking hearing and fucking reading them. It’s been thirty fucking years. WTF?

{Deep breath} Sorry...

“Andy” didn’t leave me brokenhearted. He didn’t have my heart in the first place. I’m relieved we didn't go all the way. I can’t imagine how devastated I would be if we did and he rejects me. Way to go for my first.

If anything, he left me wiser and bolder. He left me knowing myself better. I guess I’m not a player. I can’t be someone I’m not or don’t want to be.

But I believe that can change as I wish or will. Being a player, there’d be no hang-ups. You can play all you want and never get hurt. Change is constant. Change is good.

Maybe I’ll be a player. No hang-ups. Play all you want. Don't fall in love. Never get hurt.

Or maybe I’ll switch teams. As I've written in Single Since Birth, women give me better pick-up lines than men. And I have the physiological faculty to do what a man’s gotta do on a particular department.

Or maybe I’ll just be single for the long haul. I’ve gotten quite comfortable being uncommitted for the last 30 years of my life anyway.

Or maybe I’ll let a dog into my life again. He’ll be loyal. I’ll be devoted. It’s a perfect unconditional relationship.

Or maybe... just maybe... I need to - just - let - go.

Yeah... I think it’s about time to let go.

I’m going to let myself go.

Bring it on destiny.

I’m ready to play.

I Met Someone In Big Bear Part 1
I Met Someone In Big Bear Part 2
I Met Someone In Big Bear Part 3
I Met Someone In Big Bear: Gratitude

I Met Someone In Big Bear: Gratitude

To all my friends and acquaintances who cheered for me in the beginning;

To all those who followed my story at the center of its gravity;

And to each and everyone of you who consoled me in the end:

Thank you.

It’s amazing how technology keeps people together and touches peoples lives with a push of a button, a swipe of a finger, a voice call transmission.

Your words, both written and spoken, were my shelter from the storm. They served as collective compass that guided me as I went through an emotional limbo.

It’s hard to write about something hurtful, specially when it started beautifully. It's scary to put yourself out there. You'll never know what people will say about you.

If life were a movie, I want to be a scriptwriter. I’m going to change the narrative of “I Met Someone In Big Bear” so the story will go a different direction.

Peter will finally reach a relationship milestone and "Andy" will have found someone he never thought he could ever have.

Or, Peter's inner whore will give in to "Andy's" slutty advances and they consummate their lust inside a car - in the evening and the next morning.

Life is not a movie, though. Endings are not always how we want them to be. Reality bites, as one movie title goes.

But writing truthfully from the heart, no matter how bleak, is cathartic. In the end, the wound heals you. In the end, darkness gives you a better appreciation of enlightenment. In the end, the setback in the present helps you move on towards the future.

To “Andy”, man, you and I would’ve been great. I would’ve given to you everything of me that has been bottled up all these years. But, no. It didn’t turn out that way, did it? You simply left me hanging out in the cold - for no expressed reason.

The only thing I can come up with is: I wasn't ready to give you what you wanted, and you weren't willing to give me what I needed. Our intentions were not aligned. Maybe we'll meet again in the future. Maybe then, we'll both be ready and willing and available - on all terms. Maybe.

Nevertheless, thank you for now being part of my personal history. Big Bear now means more to me than snowboarding in winter and jet-skiing in summer. The fleeting moments of passion we shared in Big Bear will stay with me for as long as I can remember.

I now have a wonderful memory of that quaint little lake village way up high in the mountains where the heavens almost kisses us mere mortals - almost.

I Met Someone In Big Bear Part 1
I Met Someone In Big Bear Part 2
I Met Someone In Big Bear Part 3

Hard To Say It’s Over

May binasted ako ngayong gabi. Mahirap pala gawin. Palibhasa first time ko.

I’ve never been in a situation where I’ve had to decline someone so, it was nerve-wracking. I’ve also only recently started to put myself out there so I’ve never really had anybody pursue me - and persistently.

I had sleepless nights thinking about how I was going to break it to him without breaking him. I had to call several friends several times to ask advice. I was really freaking out.

Dapat nga kagabi pa nangyari. Kaya lang may karamdaman siya. And despite cold sweats and an ensuing fever, he said he’d meet me last night because he was really excited to see me.

Buti na lang we called it off. Otherwise, I would’ve been so heartless.

So we met at a local hangout a little while ago and started talking, all the while my pulse was pounding waiting for the right moment to break it.

The point came when he was constantly talking about seeing each other again.

Holding my breath, I let it out in one, slow sweep, “F----... Oh, how am I gonna tell you this? (Sigh) I don’t feel the same way.”

There was a moment of deafening silence.

He looked at me forlorn. His eyes reached for the ground.

“I’m sorry,” I said, as my eyes searched his in an attempt to meet mine and solicit a reply.

He then looked at me and said, “I kind of knew you were going to say that.”

“I feel sad about this,” he continued. “But I’m not mad. I’m just very disappointed because you’re such a wonderful and handsome guy.”

Mabait siya at maalaga. He’s very thoughtful with constant emails, texts and voicemails. He’s also lavish in humor, praise and considerateness.

Pero wala talaga akong nararamdaman, eh. I wish I felt the same way he does but I don't.

But I’m glad he was forward and cool with it. At least, that's the impression I got from him. And I told him I honestly felt more comfortable afterwards.

We talked some more about the common things we enjoy, laughed at our dating deadlock, joked about how awkward I am at dating, pondered about a big life decision he’s about to make, and then called it a night.

We hugged. He kissed me on the cheeks. We promised to keep in touch.

There’s a feeling of heaviness I took with me on my way home. I feel kind of bad letting him down. But I know I will let him down further and feel worse if I mislead him or allow him to hang on to false hope.

I wish there was a better way of saying or going about it but there is none. I only hope he finds the one who truly deserves the lovable person that he is, the one who will be able to see how he deserves to be seen.

I called him thrice later in the evening just to make sure he got home safe and to see how he is doing. No reply on any attempt. So I just left a message.

“Hey, F----. Just calling to make sure you got home safe and that you’re okay. If you’re sleeping already, it’s good that I didn’t wake you. Good night, buddy. Take care. You have a good day tomorrow. Enjoy your weekend.”

Single Since Birth

I have never had a boyfriend or partner. Anyone asking about my relationship status gets bug-eyed astonished and slack-jawed bewildered with that answer. The predictably inevitable next question is, "Why not?!"

The moment the question is fired and way before I can think of a satisfactory answer, I already get exhausted. To make things easier, I just shrug my shoulders and in a humdrum tone reply, "I don't know."

"Maybe you're too picky," they often surmise.

Doubtful because I don't think my standards are extraordinarily high. The qualities I look for in a man are universal: First of all, he has to be gay and comfortable with it; physically attractive at least to me; a mind that meets mine; a stable job that will see him through retirement; and a personality compatible to mine.

And I don't need to make a rundown on likable qualities such as caring, patient, loving, thoughtful, understanding, etc. because who doesn't want someone with those. In these eclectic times of combo meals, bundle offers and package deals, it's pretty much standard.

Interested and interesting parties? There have been a lot.

But the hope of a romantic possibility is always hindered by any of the three: He likes me but I don't like him. I like him but he doesn't like me. He likes me, I like him, but we can't be together for some reason, for example, he's in a relationship already.

Anonymous sex? Coulda, woulda, shoulda but never did. Once again, "Why not?!"

Well, I'm selfish. I don't want to share myself with someone I barely know. Sex is more than an exchange of sweat, saliva and semen. You give away something of you, something of yourself.

I have always wanted to do it within a relationship. I had read about how physically rewarding and emotionally uplifting a sexual experience is if approached with physical and spiritual maturity and responsibility. Those words left an indelible impression, no doubt.

Don't think of me prude, though. I've had my share of lurid intervals. And my finest achievement have always elicited guffaws from my friends - having gotten as far as doing the French. Yeah, yeah. Ha-ha-ha.

And I'm not saying that doing it at the heat of the moment is an impossibility, specially that my age is way past the calendar and I still haven't gotten any. I could all of a sudden get impatient and tired of waiting, realizing belatedly that youth is slipping away faster than I can count my birthday candles.

For all I know a single stimulating moment of consensual, unadulterated lust is all it will take for my bottled-up libido to break free and burst.

Going back to my uneventful romantic/love/sex life, it also doesn't help that I don't have a car.

This pretty much limits my social arena, dating possibilities, and therefore chances of meeting other gay men. I also have never been and don't think will ever be a denizen of the nightclub scene. Second hand smoke and talking at the top of your voice to counter the deafening sound system is not my idea of a good time. But I do know I have to be at places where I can see and be seen.

"Are you sure you're gay?" comes as a last-ditch effort to understand my situation.

It's funny but women had hit on me nicer than men. How much more elated had I been if it were men who uttered pick-up lines from the amiable "You're funny, I like you," to the committal-imbued, albeit subdued "I wish my son could have as good a father as you can be," and the frank appraisal "I have a handsome nurse on my team today!"

Instead, my not-so-fair share of pick-up lines from gay men run from the tediously inane "What time is it?" and "Is this seat taken?" to the explicitly tasteless "Shall I jack-off while you shower?" and the primitively in-your-face "I want to f**k you!"

But to the question regarding my sexual orientation, I can immediately answer with utmost certainty and confidence, "Oh, yeah, baby!" And I can readily give a rundown on guys who get me off.

Perhaps an answer to the conundrum that is my seemingly perpetual singlehood could be that I simply have not connected with anyone.

Connection is very important. I think whatever your external and internal situations and no matter how each of you come across to one another's family and friends, as long as both of you are on the same wavelength, you will inevitably gravitate towards each other. But heck, what do I know? I've never been there.

Physical attraction always comes first. Like a valuation of a piece of art, the first inkling of a possible relationship is eye appeal. But physical attraction doesn't last long. There has to be something to keep the music playing so you both keep on dancing to the same tune.

But when to hear the music? Where to find your man in a crowd of hundreds? How to dance to romance? What to do to keep the song playing?

Remains to be heard, remains to be seen, remains to be learned, remains to be relished.