I had roughly only three hours of sleep. Before noon is my rendezvous with “Andy” and his friends. We were going together to the beach party - the last event of Big Bear Adventure Weekend.
When I was ready, I call his number. Voicemail. I call Rich instead, one of our common friends with whom he was staying. After figuring out logistics I ask, “Hey, can I talk to “Andy”?”
Brief silence.
“Hello.”
“Hey, sleepyhead, how are you doing?” I greeted.
“I’m okay.”
“Do you remember me? Do you remember what happened last night?” I ask amorously.
“Yeah. Yeah, I do.”
I switch to platonic tone. “Have you guys had breakfast?”
“Yeah, we did.”
“Me, too... Okay, see you in a bit,” I said excitedly.
“Alright.”
It was a beautiful morning. I couldn’t wait to see him. With windows rolled down, I hum cheerfully in my car on my way to their lodge.
When I get there, I learn there are only three of them left. Rich was taking his luggage down to their car. He asked me if I could help him. I said, “Sure, but let me go see “Andy” first. Is that okay?”
“Alriiight...” he said, teasingly.
“Andy” was sitting on the sofa watching TV with our other common friend, Ed. I say hi to Ed and proceed towards “Andy”.
“Hey,” I said, sitting beside him and putting my arm over his shoulder.
“Hey,” he said back managing a half smile and looking at me only swiftly.
“Remember me?” I jokingly asked.
Turning his head towards me but without looking at me he nods and says, “Yeah,” and continues to watch TV.
I notice he wasn’t proactive in his response. I shrug it off. Maybe he’s not comfortable with public displays of affection. Neither was I to a certain point.
I went to help Rich with his luggage. When I got back up, I found “Andy” alone in a room cleaning up. I take him by the waist. “Hey, there...” I said, putting my cheek close to his.
“Hey...” he smiles a little fuller this time looking to me from behind him. I find reassurance and kiss him on the cheek.
He probably is more comfortable showing affection in private. But were we not all over each other just last night - in a hall full of people? I thought. What, he had too much to drink? Oh, stop thinking too much. Enjoy the moment.
“You had a good sleep?” I ask.
“Um-hm. Just a little headache.”
“Oh, yeah. How do you feel now?” I probe anxiously.
“A little better.”
“Oh, good.” I sighed with relief.
Brief silence.
“I didn’t brush my teeth last night,” I teased.
“Why?” he asks wondering why I was telling him this.
“Well, we may be sleeping physically apart from each other, but I wanted a part of you to stay with me - in one of the most intimate parts of my body.”
His smile curves a little more.
“Time to go!” Rich cries.
We all went to our respective cars and convoyed. We stopped by a convenience store. All three of them went in. I stayed in my car.
He comes out of the store and walks toward his car. I get out of my car and ask, “Hey, what’d you get?”
He was looking for a postcard. He says he always buys a postcard wherever he goes. I was delighted finding out because it’s another thing we have in common. I make a scrapbook about places I’ve been to.
“But I didn’t find anything nice in there,” he grumbled.
“Well, it’s 7-11.”
We laugh.
“You know, I do that, too! Buy postcards,” I said. “Let’s go to The Village together later. I’m sure we’ll find something there.”
He agrees.
When I was ready, I call his number. Voicemail. I call Rich instead, one of our common friends with whom he was staying. After figuring out logistics I ask, “Hey, can I talk to “Andy”?”
Brief silence.
“Hello.”
“Hey, sleepyhead, how are you doing?” I greeted.
“I’m okay.”
“Do you remember me? Do you remember what happened last night?” I ask amorously.
“Yeah. Yeah, I do.”
I switch to platonic tone. “Have you guys had breakfast?”
“Yeah, we did.”
“Me, too... Okay, see you in a bit,” I said excitedly.
“Alright.”
It was a beautiful morning. I couldn’t wait to see him. With windows rolled down, I hum cheerfully in my car on my way to their lodge.
When I get there, I learn there are only three of them left. Rich was taking his luggage down to their car. He asked me if I could help him. I said, “Sure, but let me go see “Andy” first. Is that okay?”
“Alriiight...” he said, teasingly.
“Andy” was sitting on the sofa watching TV with our other common friend, Ed. I say hi to Ed and proceed towards “Andy”.
“Hey,” I said, sitting beside him and putting my arm over his shoulder.
“Hey,” he said back managing a half smile and looking at me only swiftly.
“Remember me?” I jokingly asked.
Turning his head towards me but without looking at me he nods and says, “Yeah,” and continues to watch TV.
I notice he wasn’t proactive in his response. I shrug it off. Maybe he’s not comfortable with public displays of affection. Neither was I to a certain point.
I went to help Rich with his luggage. When I got back up, I found “Andy” alone in a room cleaning up. I take him by the waist. “Hey, there...” I said, putting my cheek close to his.
“Hey...” he smiles a little fuller this time looking to me from behind him. I find reassurance and kiss him on the cheek.
He probably is more comfortable showing affection in private. But were we not all over each other just last night - in a hall full of people? I thought. What, he had too much to drink? Oh, stop thinking too much. Enjoy the moment.
“You had a good sleep?” I ask.
“Um-hm. Just a little headache.”
“Oh, yeah. How do you feel now?” I probe anxiously.
“A little better.”
“Oh, good.” I sighed with relief.
Brief silence.
“I didn’t brush my teeth last night,” I teased.
“Why?” he asks wondering why I was telling him this.
“Well, we may be sleeping physically apart from each other, but I wanted a part of you to stay with me - in one of the most intimate parts of my body.”
His smile curves a little more.
“Time to go!” Rich cries.
We all went to our respective cars and convoyed. We stopped by a convenience store. All three of them went in. I stayed in my car.
He comes out of the store and walks toward his car. I get out of my car and ask, “Hey, what’d you get?”
He was looking for a postcard. He says he always buys a postcard wherever he goes. I was delighted finding out because it’s another thing we have in common. I make a scrapbook about places I’ve been to.
“But I didn’t find anything nice in there,” he grumbled.
“Well, it’s 7-11.”
We laugh.
“You know, I do that, too! Buy postcards,” I said. “Let’s go to The Village together later. I’m sure we’ll find something there.”
He agrees.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
At the beach party, “Andy” and Ed got assigned to sell raffle tickets. All four of us are volunteers in the event but Rich and I have done our shift.
Other guests noticed the hickeys he has and teased him about it. He just smiled. I did, too.
As the morning went on, it felt like he was keeping a communication distance. He wasn’t initiating conversation. I even had to ask him to sell me tickets. If this is how he is in the daytime, it’s going to be really strange, I thought.
Again, I just let it go. I didn’t want to come across as smothering or needy. But deep inside I wanted us to be together.
I miss us not getting enough of each other. I want to hold his hands or put my arm over his shoulder. Even just walk around the lake together would suffice.
As he made the rounds at beach tables trying to sell raffle tickets, I decided to explore on my own. I recall Ed’s words from last night: “Have enough space to be your own selves.”
After having combed through the lakefront selling tickets, he said he had to head home. I ask him if we were still going to The Village to get postcards. He said no. He said he had a friend in Lake Arrowhead who is ill who he wanted to visit.
He waved goodbye to everyone and started to walk to his car on his own.
“Hey, let me walk you to your car,” I offered.
Our cars were parked beside each other facing the lake. I wanted an opportunity to be alone with him so I asked if I can take a peek inside his car. We get in. The day was warm so he roll down the windows and open the sunroof.
As conservative as I am, I didn’t charge at him right away. But it took only a little chat before we gave in to our libidos. This time, I took the lead. I wanted him, and I wanted him bad. I lunged at him at the first moment of silence.
We were kissing and touching each other inside his car under the midday sun. Our sexual appetite was no different from last night. Yearning to reminisce one of our fervent moments, I feasted on his neck and ears. I got a hard-on once he started moaning in pleasure.
I stopped for a moment to check if anyone was watching as the windows and sunroof were open. He figured the intermission and shut ourselves in from the world outside. We look into each other’s eyes and smile.
“Calientito...” I said in a lustful tone.
“What does that mean?” he asks. Though he’s Latino, he has to work on his Spanish.
“It means ‘hot’ in Espanol. I should teach you Spanish. Private lessons.”
I fix my eyes at every facet of his face and say, “You know, a lot of bears out there were wanting to make you their cub.”
“I don’t do well with compliments.”
“I know.” I continued, “And even last night, another guy you were dancing with was licking your ear from behind! And right in front of me!”
He bowed his head down with a mischievous smile, a little embarrassed.
“I thought ‘Should I be jealous?’ But I said ‘No, I shouldn’t be because we’re not even together yet.’”
I went on, “But I had to ask myself: ‘Is this how it’s really done?’ ‘Should I just be okay about it?’"
I run my finger through his face and say, “I guess they’re right. You are handsome.”
“Like you,” he compliments back.
“Uh-huh,” I concur.
And we chuckle.
“I have to go.”
“Why?” I whimpered.
“Because... I have family matters to attend to.”
“Okay.”
I take his right hand and planted my nose and lips on it, my eyes deep into his. I close my eyes and take a deep breath and take in all the scent that lingered on his hand. I kiss his hand as I exhale slowly and let the warmth run freely through his fingers. I open my eyes. He’s smiling at me.
I put a skin fold of his hand between my lips. I lick on his skin fold then let my tongue run across his hand toward his point finger. I suck on his finger. After a while, he retracts his hand with a giggle.
“It tickles.”
I draw my face closer to his and we kiss, our tongues once again playing happily with each other. I untuck his shirt and feel every inch of his bare flesh. It feels good to moan while doing it. It heightens the experience.
“You know, I was thinking of going down the mountain with you. I wanted to see where you live,” I express.
“I never brought any of my boyfriends home.”
“Oh, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to assume... That’s okay,” I conceded.
I rest my head on his chest, wrap my arms all around his body and hug him ever so tightly. I gaze into the vastness of the lake and ask openly, “Can we stay like this forever?”
We lay there still and silent for an ephemeral moment.
“C’mon, I have to go.”
I glance back at him and ask, “Do you really have to?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“Because... I have to see my friend.”
With my arms still wrapped around him, I rest my forehead on his right temple and groan, “Oh, “Andy,” it’s not gonna be the same without you.”
“I know. We’ll still see each other. Come to San Bernardino.”
“I will.”
I face him. I look into his eyes and caress his head from fore to nape. “You know, I live alone in my apartment in L.A. You’re always welcome to come over.”
Looking ever longingly into his eyes, I raise the ante of my invitation. “We can do anything we want.”
I look intently back and forth at his lips and his eyes and we were at it again. I thrust my body off the passenger seat and put my weight on him. As my tongue explored the innards of his mouth with unconstrained excitement, my hand searched for the recliner lever of the seat. Dominion was my intention.
“No, don’t. It’s broken,” he advised.
The “stop sign" drove me even crazier. My tongue was relentless. I wanted our lips to mold together like cast iron. We were running out of breath. We stop just when our lungs were about to betray us.
“Andy” looks at me with bugged eyes in amazement. “You’re aggressive. I like that.”
“I just started last night, buddy. Wait ‘til you see what more I got.”
We were insatiable of each other’s tongues, and lips, and breaths. He guides my hand to his crotch and I squeeze his erect penis from the outside of his pants. My penis was struggling to get out of the cramped space inside my shorts. I could feel my brief starting to get sticky and wet.
Every orgasmic moan he makes hardens my penis even further, as if there were new spaces for blood flowing in to fill my seemingly limitless appendage. If his moan was the pinnacle of our foreplay, we have had multiple orgasms already.
I didn’t know whether he wanted to go all the way right there and then. The situation was definitely riskier than last night as we were in a public place with a lot of people roaming around - and it was daytime.
When we reached a breather he reiterated about going home, “Okay, come on, let’s go.”
“Why?”
“Because... I have family matters to attend to.”
I take a deep breath and regretfully sigh, “Alright.”
I open the door and step out. He turns his car. I keep my eyes on him as his car rolls down the driveway. He waves at me as he drives away.
I run after him. He sees me and stops. When I catch up with him, I slip my body into the passenger window and reach for a kiss.
And we kiss for the last time.
Other guests noticed the hickeys he has and teased him about it. He just smiled. I did, too.
As the morning went on, it felt like he was keeping a communication distance. He wasn’t initiating conversation. I even had to ask him to sell me tickets. If this is how he is in the daytime, it’s going to be really strange, I thought.
Again, I just let it go. I didn’t want to come across as smothering or needy. But deep inside I wanted us to be together.
I miss us not getting enough of each other. I want to hold his hands or put my arm over his shoulder. Even just walk around the lake together would suffice.
As he made the rounds at beach tables trying to sell raffle tickets, I decided to explore on my own. I recall Ed’s words from last night: “Have enough space to be your own selves.”
After having combed through the lakefront selling tickets, he said he had to head home. I ask him if we were still going to The Village to get postcards. He said no. He said he had a friend in Lake Arrowhead who is ill who he wanted to visit.
He waved goodbye to everyone and started to walk to his car on his own.
“Hey, let me walk you to your car,” I offered.
Our cars were parked beside each other facing the lake. I wanted an opportunity to be alone with him so I asked if I can take a peek inside his car. We get in. The day was warm so he roll down the windows and open the sunroof.
As conservative as I am, I didn’t charge at him right away. But it took only a little chat before we gave in to our libidos. This time, I took the lead. I wanted him, and I wanted him bad. I lunged at him at the first moment of silence.
We were kissing and touching each other inside his car under the midday sun. Our sexual appetite was no different from last night. Yearning to reminisce one of our fervent moments, I feasted on his neck and ears. I got a hard-on once he started moaning in pleasure.
I stopped for a moment to check if anyone was watching as the windows and sunroof were open. He figured the intermission and shut ourselves in from the world outside. We look into each other’s eyes and smile.
“Calientito...” I said in a lustful tone.
“What does that mean?” he asks. Though he’s Latino, he has to work on his Spanish.
“It means ‘hot’ in Espanol. I should teach you Spanish. Private lessons.”
I fix my eyes at every facet of his face and say, “You know, a lot of bears out there were wanting to make you their cub.”
“I don’t do well with compliments.”
“I know.” I continued, “And even last night, another guy you were dancing with was licking your ear from behind! And right in front of me!”
He bowed his head down with a mischievous smile, a little embarrassed.
“I thought ‘Should I be jealous?’ But I said ‘No, I shouldn’t be because we’re not even together yet.’”
I went on, “But I had to ask myself: ‘Is this how it’s really done?’ ‘Should I just be okay about it?’"
I run my finger through his face and say, “I guess they’re right. You are handsome.”
“Like you,” he compliments back.
“Uh-huh,” I concur.
And we chuckle.
“I have to go.”
“Why?” I whimpered.
“Because... I have family matters to attend to.”
“Okay.”
I take his right hand and planted my nose and lips on it, my eyes deep into his. I close my eyes and take a deep breath and take in all the scent that lingered on his hand. I kiss his hand as I exhale slowly and let the warmth run freely through his fingers. I open my eyes. He’s smiling at me.
I put a skin fold of his hand between my lips. I lick on his skin fold then let my tongue run across his hand toward his point finger. I suck on his finger. After a while, he retracts his hand with a giggle.
“It tickles.”
I draw my face closer to his and we kiss, our tongues once again playing happily with each other. I untuck his shirt and feel every inch of his bare flesh. It feels good to moan while doing it. It heightens the experience.
“You know, I was thinking of going down the mountain with you. I wanted to see where you live,” I express.
“I never brought any of my boyfriends home.”
“Oh, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to assume... That’s okay,” I conceded.
I rest my head on his chest, wrap my arms all around his body and hug him ever so tightly. I gaze into the vastness of the lake and ask openly, “Can we stay like this forever?”
We lay there still and silent for an ephemeral moment.
“C’mon, I have to go.”
I glance back at him and ask, “Do you really have to?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“Because... I have to see my friend.”
With my arms still wrapped around him, I rest my forehead on his right temple and groan, “Oh, “Andy,” it’s not gonna be the same without you.”
“I know. We’ll still see each other. Come to San Bernardino.”
“I will.”
I face him. I look into his eyes and caress his head from fore to nape. “You know, I live alone in my apartment in L.A. You’re always welcome to come over.”
Looking ever longingly into his eyes, I raise the ante of my invitation. “We can do anything we want.”
I look intently back and forth at his lips and his eyes and we were at it again. I thrust my body off the passenger seat and put my weight on him. As my tongue explored the innards of his mouth with unconstrained excitement, my hand searched for the recliner lever of the seat. Dominion was my intention.
“No, don’t. It’s broken,” he advised.
The “stop sign" drove me even crazier. My tongue was relentless. I wanted our lips to mold together like cast iron. We were running out of breath. We stop just when our lungs were about to betray us.
“Andy” looks at me with bugged eyes in amazement. “You’re aggressive. I like that.”
“I just started last night, buddy. Wait ‘til you see what more I got.”
We were insatiable of each other’s tongues, and lips, and breaths. He guides my hand to his crotch and I squeeze his erect penis from the outside of his pants. My penis was struggling to get out of the cramped space inside my shorts. I could feel my brief starting to get sticky and wet.
Every orgasmic moan he makes hardens my penis even further, as if there were new spaces for blood flowing in to fill my seemingly limitless appendage. If his moan was the pinnacle of our foreplay, we have had multiple orgasms already.
I didn’t know whether he wanted to go all the way right there and then. The situation was definitely riskier than last night as we were in a public place with a lot of people roaming around - and it was daytime.
When we reached a breather he reiterated about going home, “Okay, come on, let’s go.”
“Why?”
“Because... I have family matters to attend to.”
I take a deep breath and regretfully sigh, “Alright.”
I open the door and step out. He turns his car. I keep my eyes on him as his car rolls down the driveway. He waves at me as he drives away.
I run after him. He sees me and stops. When I catch up with him, I slip my body into the passenger window and reach for a kiss.
And we kiss for the last time.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
When he left, I felt an unshakable sense of uncertainty, like something was amiss. My heart felt heavy. Somehow something just didn’t feel right.
I spent the afternoon at the lake with newfound friends, but deep inside I was pining for him. No matter what I do, where I was or who I was with, I felt incomplete.
Dusk came. I texted him before heading down the mountain. “R u home safe?”
“Yeah,” he texted back.
When I reached San Bernardino my shin was sore from driving so I pulled over somewhere. I was adamant to see where he lives. I call his number. Voicemail. I didn’t leave a message. I thought, it’s not meant to be, so I drove home.
All the way on 10 West I was texting him a stanza of a childhood love song every 20 minutes. I was done by the time I got home.
I couldn’t stop thinking of him that night. My mind kept playing a movie of our passionate moments. What happened between us in Big Bear is by far the most exhilarating thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life. Every second of memory is worth reminiscing.
Back at work the next morning after a week’s vacation, I felt so elated that I was embracing and kissing everyone. My colleagues noticed. They ask why. When I tell them it’s because I miss them they wouldn’t believe me.
“No, it’s not that. Something’s going on and you’re not telling us.”
“Whatever it is, we like it!”
At the end of the day I wanted to find out how he’s doing despite the wildfire ravaging San Bernardino. I call his number. Voicemail. I email him instead.
I spent the afternoon at the lake with newfound friends, but deep inside I was pining for him. No matter what I do, where I was or who I was with, I felt incomplete.
Dusk came. I texted him before heading down the mountain. “R u home safe?”
“Yeah,” he texted back.
When I reached San Bernardino my shin was sore from driving so I pulled over somewhere. I was adamant to see where he lives. I call his number. Voicemail. I didn’t leave a message. I thought, it’s not meant to be, so I drove home.
All the way on 10 West I was texting him a stanza of a childhood love song every 20 minutes. I was done by the time I got home.
I couldn’t stop thinking of him that night. My mind kept playing a movie of our passionate moments. What happened between us in Big Bear is by far the most exhilarating thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life. Every second of memory is worth reminiscing.
Back at work the next morning after a week’s vacation, I felt so elated that I was embracing and kissing everyone. My colleagues noticed. They ask why. When I tell them it’s because I miss them they wouldn’t believe me.
“No, it’s not that. Something’s going on and you’re not telling us.”
“Whatever it is, we like it!”
At the end of the day I wanted to find out how he’s doing despite the wildfire ravaging San Bernardino. I call his number. Voicemail. I email him instead.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Tuesday morning “Andy” broke his silence. He sent me a most startling text message:
“Dont text me anymore i dont like u”
I stood shocked-stiff trying to make sense of what he just texted. I read the message over and over and stare at it trying to fathom what it meant and if it meant something other than how I understood it.
I call his number. Voicemail. I didn’t leave a message. I try to think of a sensible reply text. But even before I could think of one he sent me another jolt.
“Lose my number”
I tried to compose myself and an email. At the same time I was struggling to send him a reply text. In my heart I was desperately seeking for answers. I was at a loss for words.
“Why, “Andy,” why? What happened? I don’t understand.”
These words howled repetitively in my mind.
I wanted to seem cool about the whole thing so I composed a text message that didn’t seem hurting. I wanted to come across levelheaded. I wasn’t finished with my first reply text when I accidentally “sent” it.
Nevertheless, he fired another callous text at me.
Even then, I still managed to put levity and a smiley on my next message.
“Dont text me anymore i dont like u”
I stood shocked-stiff trying to make sense of what he just texted. I read the message over and over and stare at it trying to fathom what it meant and if it meant something other than how I understood it.
I call his number. Voicemail. I didn’t leave a message. I try to think of a sensible reply text. But even before I could think of one he sent me another jolt.
“Lose my number”
I tried to compose myself and an email. At the same time I was struggling to send him a reply text. In my heart I was desperately seeking for answers. I was at a loss for words.
“Why, “Andy,” why? What happened? I don’t understand.”
These words howled repetitively in my mind.
I wanted to seem cool about the whole thing so I composed a text message that didn’t seem hurting. I wanted to come across levelheaded. I wasn’t finished with my first reply text when I accidentally “sent” it.
Nevertheless, he fired another callous text at me.
Even then, I still managed to put levity and a smiley on my next message.
It was the heat of the moment and I was angry - at him, at me, at us. I channeled my energy into carefully encoding a no-nonsense text message. When I was satisfied with what I came up with, I sent it.
Despite the emotional turmoil, I believe I was also able to come up with a grounded email. Following is most of its contents.
See you around
Hi, ____!
You texted me to stop texting you. Should I stop calling and emailing you as well? (,")
Okay, so you don't like me. That's okay. Once again, thanks for letting me know. At least we're not going to waste any more of each other's time. Don't be afraid to talk to me. I'm not angry.
I'm just a little confused considering the words that came out of your mouth and the actions you initiated. Were they just to lure me into having sex with you? We were almost successful except we weren't in a very convenient location - a car - mine at first, yours the next day.
I can't help but wonder, did you even like me at all, even a little bit, when we were kissing & touching each other? I kind of felt your distance the next morning. You were not as enthusiastic. You seemed to have gone the exact opposite direction.
What is it that you didn't like about me? Never having had sex before? I'd appreciate it if you let me know. Say what you want to say as long as you tell me the truth. And don't worry, I'm not going to change for you. I can live with someone not liking me in a particular way.
You don't want me to pursue you. Done.
You want me to lose your number. Done.
I'm not a very hard person to talk to. But I sincerely hope there will be no cold air between us, considering we now have friends in common - Rich & Ed. I'd still want to go out with them, even with you in tow.
And just so you know, I started to really like you, specially upon discovering our things in common. I also felt quite comfortable with you, like you said you were with me - if that was true at all. I was strongly - and finally after a very long time - considering going physically intimate with someone - you. I was willing to go all the way and give myself to someone - you. But I guess that's not the way things are going to go.
Well, take care, ____. I am really glad you are very close to your family. Love your mother like she's the only one you have left in the world. Good luck with your life plans.
Peter
I was depressed the whole week. But I do manage a smile and a laugh every now and then. I can be quite successful in masking my feelings: I enjoyed a concert at the Hollywood Bowl with good old friends, toured WeHo with newfound friends, and even went on a dinner date.
But I can also be very transparent. And sometimes my mood simply emanates from within, and the people I spend most of my waking time with - colleagues - can't help but notice.
“Peter, are you depressed?”
“Something wrong? You’re usually up and about.”
“Hey, man, what’s going on? Where’s cheerful Peter?”
“What’s up, sunshine? How come you’re down?”
“Peterito, how come you’re not talking?”
I have in my iPhone the song on the radio that lullabied me to sleep that momentous night. I keep playing it even though the melody and lyrics pierce through my heart.
I listen to it every moment - while in the shower, during lunch break, washing dishes, doing laundry, cleaning up, taking a brisk walk, while driving.
I relish the pain it inflicts. Like lethal substance, I allow it to consume me. I sink deeper into an emotional abyss. It gives me reason to live - so I can wake up each morning for another day of dying.
But I can also be very transparent. And sometimes my mood simply emanates from within, and the people I spend most of my waking time with - colleagues - can't help but notice.
“Peter, are you depressed?”
“Something wrong? You’re usually up and about.”
“Hey, man, what’s going on? Where’s cheerful Peter?”
“What’s up, sunshine? How come you’re down?”
“Peterito, how come you’re not talking?”
I have in my iPhone the song on the radio that lullabied me to sleep that momentous night. I keep playing it even though the melody and lyrics pierce through my heart.
I listen to it every moment - while in the shower, during lunch break, washing dishes, doing laundry, cleaning up, taking a brisk walk, while driving.
I relish the pain it inflicts. Like lethal substance, I allow it to consume me. I sink deeper into an emotional abyss. It gives me reason to live - so I can wake up each morning for another day of dying.
Some people wait a lifetime
For a moment like this
Some people search forever
For that one special kiss
I can’t believe it’s happening to me
Some people wait a lifetime
For a moment like this
~ T H E E N D ~
For a moment like this
Some people search forever
For that one special kiss
I can’t believe it’s happening to me
Some people wait a lifetime
For a moment like this
~ T H E E N D ~
I Met Someone In Big Bear Part 1
I Met Someone In Big Bear Part 2
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Photos in this post are author's property.
*lots of warm hugs* ... not to be insensitive, but you kept me going, waiting for the next installment and the next until the sad end. :(
ReplyDeleteMarie Bismonte
17:59
im so sorry peter...i thought it would be a good ending...you will meet someone else
ReplyDeleteRose David
Sep 18 Fri 1:23am
you'll be alright my friend.... methinks you should change your leona lewis song... try listening to "better in time".
ReplyDeleteFrechell Garcia
Sep 18 Fri 1:29am
CBE - character building experience, you move on. get stronger and wiser and later find the love of your life that will make this something to smile or even laugh about. I miss your laugher Peter! BWAHAHAHAHA...
ReplyDelete(Itong part lang ang nabasa ko, akala ko nagventure ka na sa fiction novels at writer ka na for romance books)
B Ignacio Mahoney
Sep 19 Sat 8:54am
hi peter,
ReplyDeletewelcome to the world of love and relationships.....:) we have all been there (unrequited love) and all i can say is, we must learn from our experiences and move on. We must also not let these experiences jade us from our vision of our perfect relationships.
It will happen, unfortunately, i think you will be kissing a lot of frogs in the pond before you find your prince.
i mentioned to you before, that from hanging out with ***** that their relationships seem to revolve around sex and less about having a relationship. I know you want more for yourself but just be careful. i don't like seeing my friends get hurt.
your prince will come at any given moment when you least expect it especially when you think you've given up on love...
in the meantime, i want you to continue exploring the world out there and meet more people.
i'm happy that you have newfound gay friends that you can hang out with and enlighten you more with their experiences.
just remember, we are all here for you and you are strong. any man, will be lucky to have you! just call me if you need me and thanks for sharing, it takes a lot of guts to lay yourself out like that for everybody to see. I admire that about you.
Jennifer Guillem-Low
Sep 19 Sat 11:16am
i don't know what to say except everything's gonna be ok, di ko alam kung papano basta alam ko lang...
ReplyDeleteJoy G Solano
Sep 18 Fri 8:17pm
ah, another one of those men.
ReplyDeletethey're not bad people, they just want different things. they may be looking for something that we may not be able to offer at the moment.
or we may want something that they are not willing to give.
i know you are hurting, sweetie but i'm glad you held on to it. imagine losing it to someone who doesn't value it as much as one should? you'd want to give it to someone who sees you as the loving, bright spark that you are. not a passing prey.
chin up, sweetheart. you're passionate, intense and true.
he just lost his chance to be with someone so beautiful and rare.
Queenie Calma
Sep 20 Sun 11:30am
Peter,
ReplyDeleteI just read your last 2 posts...I'm sorry!!!
Granted, I don't know you very well yet, but no one has any right to treat anyone like that! I'm so sorry. :-) Not all men are like that by any means.
*hug*
Jason Klein
Sep 21 Mon 3:28pm
i symthasize with u. believe me it will pass. give yourself a break. there will be many more, some good, others bad. So my friend, it comes and goes at different times. make the most of what comes, stay positive, be yourself and have fun. theres plenty of time. take it slower, don't put your heart out there so fast. be sure of that person and be safe.
ReplyDeleteed mendoza
Sep 20 Sun 10:49 PM
Peter... very powerful. If you feel comfortable talking about this when we meet... I can share with you some thoughts.
ReplyDeleteBernard Aguirre
Sep 21 Mon 10:35pm
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDeletepeter,peter peter, u are sooooo coool. love u sooo mucho. ur so real , im so glad to have met u , i will search a lifetime for people like u. this is what life is all about . i am blessed. thank u for being my new found friend, i cherish u. o.k. im getting a little too mushy.
ReplyDeletesex is second to the emotional connection one has with someone the makes intamecy even more worth waiting, it makes it complete. fireworks. stars. gasperating. is that a word? u will know soon enough. loved your responses they show me how much love surrounds u. thats what life is about , thanks for sharing ur heart with everyone. they truly are ur friends. that so great. i knew your responses would be as they were. hoorah, bravo. humanity pervails through the darkest moments of our lives.
i appreciate ur honesty , keep real , the world needs more people like us to keep society grounded as lost as it is. spread the love , not your legsssss ha.
Ed Mendoza
Sep 23 Wed 10:15pm
OY! If you ever get sick of nursing you can write a fine Harlequin novel my friend! I had to stop where you stumbled into the car and got a hard-on LOL. >_<
ReplyDeleteI know you got hurt later but you can always cherish that moment- the way you described it- it was genuinely genuine. Just remember it for what it was- regardless of whether it was fueled by alcohol or hormones or whatever combo, nobody can take the passion and rush of that particular moment away : ) I'm so happy that you got to enjoy it though, yeahhh booty grab! And the cherry thing- that was effin hot!
And I'm going to join you in the singles club! I'm now single and ready to mingle!!! Well, I'm not exactly that chipper to be honest, but yah. I've moved close by (Alhambra) so seriously this time- let's hang out already! I miss you!
Much love!!!!
Summahhhh
Sep 23 Wed 10:53pm