I found out recently that one my many cousins does not support gay marriage. I told her in writing, "It's good to know where you stand, cousin."
She replied that Jesus loves me and that He's the only One who can fill "that God-size hole" in my heart.
I wanted to ask her, "Do you feel the same way, cousin? That Jesus is the only One who can fill that hole in your heart? If so, why did you have to marry (husband's name)? Or is Jesus not enough for you that you had to marry someone mortal and physical that you can touch and feel and make love to?"
But I didn't. I simply reiterated what I told her the first time: "Once again, cousin, it's good to know where you stand."
It's alright. We're not close. We were childhood playmates who rekindled a couple times briefly in our adulthood but that's about it.
She cannot sum up my life in the same way I cannot hers because we haven't spent a respectable amount of time with each other.
We are connected by blood. That's all.
There's a saying that goes, "Friends are family you make for yourself".
I fathomed for comprehension. I sought out for explanation. Until now I’m still empty-handed. I never unequivocally understood why, all of a sudden, “Andy” didn’t want to have anything to do with me after what we shared.
Where did his amorous words come from? What did his acts of passion mean? How could he have made a complete turnaround?
Maybe he has a boyfriend and just wanted to have a go with me. Maybe he’s still in the closet and didn’t want to keep any ties he made. Maybe he’s an asshole. :)
Questions will remain unanswered. Speculations will remain unfounded. For how long, I don’t know and I don’t care. He never replied to me in any way - text, email or phone call. I’ve wrestled enough with confusion. I’m still wondering but I have stopped asking.
It’s been three weeks. I’m better now. I’ve been burned but it’s not that bad. I mean, come on, we only met over the weekend. I’m not going to let this almost stranger get the better of me.
This is the problem with some people like me who have been Single Since Birth or been through only a few relationships. We jump at the first sight of a seemingly ideal partner. We put our hearts out there too fast. We tend to get swept away when - the one we think is the one - is right before us.
Friends tell me: “It’s going to be alright...” “You’ll meet someone else...” “Everything’s gonna be fine...” "Don't worry, he will come..."
My friends mean well. These words are well-intended. But no offense - I’m kind of fucking sick and fucking tired fucking hearing and fucking reading them. It’s been thirty fucking years. WTF?
{Deep breath} Sorry...
“Andy” didn’t leave me brokenhearted. He didn’t have my heart in the first place. I’m relieved we didn't go all the way. I can’t imagine how devastated I would be if we did and he rejects me. Way to go for my first.
If anything, he left me wiser and bolder. He left me knowing myself better. I guess I’m not a player. I can’t be someone I’m not or don’t want to be.
But I believe that can change as I wish or will. Being a player, there’d be no hang-ups. You can play all you want and never get hurt. Change is constant. Change is good.
Maybe I’ll be a player. No hang-ups. Play all you want. Don't fall in love. Never get hurt.
Or maybe I’ll switch teams. As I've written in Single Since Birth, women give me better pick-up lines than men. And I have the physiological faculty to do what a man’s gotta do on a particular department.
Or maybe I’ll just be single for the long haul. I’ve gotten quite comfortable being uncommitted for the last 30 years of my life anyway.
Or maybe I’ll let a dog into my life again. He’ll be loyal. I’ll be devoted. It’s a perfect unconditional relationship.
Or maybe... just maybe... I need to - just - let - go.
To all my friends and acquaintances who cheered for me in the beginning;
To all those who followed my story at the center of its gravity;
And to each and everyone of you who consoled me in the end:
Thank you.
It’s amazing how technology keeps people together and touches peoples lives with a push of a button, a swipe of a finger, a voice call transmission.
Your words, both written and spoken, were my shelter from the storm. They served as collective compass that guided me as I went through an emotional limbo.
It’s hard to write about something hurtful, specially when it started beautifully. It's scary to put yourself out there. You'll never know what people will say about you.
If life were a movie, I want to be a scriptwriter. I’m going to change the narrative of “I Met Someone In Big Bear” so the story will go a different direction.
Peter will finally reach a relationship milestone and "Andy" will have found someone he never thought he could ever have.
Or, Peter's inner whore will give in to "Andy's" slutty advances and they consummate their lust inside a car - in the evening and the next morning.
Life is not a movie, though. Endings are not always how we want them to be. Reality bites, as one movie title goes.
But writing truthfully from the heart, no matter how bleak, is cathartic. In the end, the wound heals you. In the end, darkness gives you a better appreciation of enlightenment. In the end, the setback in the present helps you move on towards the future.
To “Andy”, man, you and I would’ve been great. I would’ve given to you everything of me that has been bottled up all these years. But, no. It didn’t turn out that way, did it? You simply left me hanging out in the cold - for no expressed reason.
The only thing I can come up with is: I wasn't ready to give you what you wanted, and you weren't willing to give me what I needed. Our intentions were not aligned. Maybe we'll meet again in the future. Maybe then, we'll both be ready and willing and available - on all terms. Maybe.
Nevertheless, thank you for now being part of my personal history. Big Bear now means more to me than snowboarding in winter and jet-skiing in summer. The fleeting moments of passion we shared in Big Bear will stay with me for as long as I can remember.
I now have a wonderful memory of that quaint little lake village way up high in the mountains where the heavens almost kisses us mere mortals - almost.
I had roughly only three hours of sleep. Before noon is my rendezvous with “Andy” and his friends. We were going together to the beach party - the last event of Big Bear Adventure Weekend.
When I was ready, I call his number. Voicemail. I call Rich instead, one of our common friends with whom he was staying. After figuring out logistics I ask, “Hey, can I talk to “Andy”?”
Brief silence.
“Hello.”
“Hey, sleepyhead, how are you doing?” I greeted.
“I’m okay.”
“Do you remember me? Do you remember what happened last night?” I ask amorously.
“Yeah. Yeah, I do.”
I switch to platonic tone. “Have you guys had breakfast?”
“Yeah, we did.”
“Me, too... Okay, see you in a bit,” I said excitedly.
“Alright.”
It was a beautiful morning. I couldn’t wait to see him. With windows rolled down, I hum cheerfully in my car on my way to their lodge.
When I get there, I learn there are only three of them left. Rich was taking his luggage down to their car. He asked me if I could help him. I said, “Sure, but let me go see “Andy” first. Is that okay?”
“Alriiight...” he said, teasingly.
“Andy” was sitting on the sofa watching TV with our other common friend, Ed. I say hi to Ed and proceed towards “Andy”.
“Hey,” I said, sitting beside him and putting my arm over his shoulder.
“Hey,” he said back managing a half smile and looking at me only swiftly.
“Remember me?” I jokingly asked.
Turning his head towards me but without looking at me he nods and says, “Yeah,” and continues to watch TV.
I notice he wasn’t proactive in his response. I shrug it off. Maybe he’s not comfortable with public displays of affection. Neither was I to a certain point.
I went to help Rich with his luggage. When I got back up, I found “Andy” alone in a room cleaning up. I take him by the waist. “Hey, there...” I said, putting my cheek close to his.
“Hey...” he smiles a little fuller this time looking to me from behind him. I find reassurance and kiss him on the cheek.
He probably is more comfortable showing affection in private. But were we not all over each other just last night - in a hall full of people? I thought. What, he had too much to drink? Oh, stop thinking too much. Enjoy the moment.
“You had a good sleep?” I ask.
“Um-hm. Just a little headache.”
“Oh, yeah. How do you feel now?” I probe anxiously.
“A little better.”
“Oh, good.” I sighed with relief.
Brief silence.
“I didn’t brush my teeth last night,” I teased.
“Why?” he asks wondering why I was telling him this.
“Well, we may be sleeping physically apart from each other, but I wanted a part of you to stay with me - in one of the most intimate parts of my body.”
His smile curves a little more.
“Time to go!” Rich cries.
We all went to our respective cars and convoyed. We stopped by a convenience store. All three of them went in. I stayed in my car.
He comes out of the store and walks toward his car. I get out of my car and ask, “Hey, what’d you get?”
He was looking for a postcard. He says he always buys a postcard wherever he goes. I was delighted finding out because it’s another thing we have in common. I make a scrapbook about places I’ve been to.
“But I didn’t find anything nice in there,” he grumbled.
“Well, it’s 7-11.”
We laugh.
“You know, I do that, too! Buy postcards,” I said. “Let’s go to The Village together later. I’m sure we’ll find something there.”
He agrees.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
At the beach party, “Andy” and Ed got assigned to sell raffle tickets. All four of us are volunteers in the event but Rich and I have done our shift.
Other guests noticed the hickeys he has and teased him about it. He just smiled. I did, too.
As the morning went on, it felt like he was keeping a communication distance. He wasn’t initiating conversation. I even had to ask him to sell me tickets. If this is how he is in the daytime, it’s going to be really strange, I thought.
Again, I just let it go. I didn’t want to come across as smothering or needy. But deep inside I wanted us to be together.
I miss us not getting enough of each other. I want to hold his hands or put my arm over his shoulder. Even just walk around the lake together would suffice.
As he made the rounds at beach tables trying to sell raffle tickets, I decided to explore on my own. I recall Ed’s words from last night: “Have enough space to be your own selves.”
After having combed through the lakefront selling tickets, he said he had to head home. I ask him if we were still going to The Village to get postcards. He said no. He said he had a friend in Lake Arrowhead who is ill who he wanted to visit.
He waved goodbye to everyone and started to walk to his car on his own.
“Hey, let me walk you to your car,” I offered.
Our cars were parked beside each other facing the lake. I wanted an opportunity to be alone with him so I asked if I can take a peek inside his car. We get in. The day was warm so he roll down the windows and open the sunroof.
As conservative as I am, I didn’t charge at him right away. But it took only a little chat before we gave in to our libidos. This time, I took the lead. I wanted him, and I wanted him bad. I lunged at him at the first moment of silence.
We were kissing and touching each other inside his car under the midday sun. Our sexual appetite was no different from last night. Yearning to reminisce one of our fervent moments, I feasted on his neck and ears. I got a hard-on once he started moaning in pleasure.
I stopped for a moment to check if anyone was watching as the windows and sunroof were open. He figured the intermission and shut ourselves in from the world outside. We look into each other’s eyes and smile.
“Calientito...” I said in a lustful tone.
“What does that mean?” he asks. Though he’s Latino, he has to work on his Spanish.
“It means ‘hot’ in Espanol. I should teach you Spanish. Private lessons.”
I fix my eyes at every facet of his face and say, “You know, a lot of bears out there were wanting to make you their cub.”
“I don’t do well with compliments.”
“I know.” I continued, “And even last night, another guy you were dancing with was licking your ear from behind! And right in front of me!”
He bowed his head down with a mischievous smile, a little embarrassed.
“I thought ‘Should I be jealous?’ But I said ‘No, I shouldn’t be because we’re not even together yet.’”
I went on, “But I had to ask myself: ‘Is this how it’s really done?’ ‘Should I just be okay about it?’"
I run my finger through his face and say, “I guess they’re right. You are handsome.”
“Like you,” he compliments back.
“Uh-huh,” I concur.
And we chuckle.
“I have to go.”
“Why?” I whimpered.
“Because... I have family matters to attend to.”
“Okay.”
I take his right hand and planted my nose and lips on it, my eyes deep into his. I close my eyes and take a deep breath and take in all the scent that lingered on his hand. I kiss his hand as I exhale slowly and let the warmth run freely through his fingers. I open my eyes. He’s smiling at me.
I put a skin fold of his hand between my lips. I lick on his skin fold then let my tongue run across his hand toward his point finger. I suck on his finger. After a while, he retracts his hand with a giggle.
“It tickles.”
I draw my face closer to his and we kiss, our tongues once again playing happily with each other. I untuck his shirt and feel every inch of his bare flesh. It feels good to moan while doing it. It heightens the experience.
“You know, I was thinking of going down the mountain with you. I wanted to see where you live,” I express.
“I never brought any of my boyfriends home.”
“Oh, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to assume... That’s okay,” I conceded.
I rest my head on his chest, wrap my arms all around his body and hug him ever so tightly. I gaze into the vastness of the lake and ask openly, “Can we stay like this forever?”
We lay there still and silent for an ephemeral moment.
“C’mon, I have to go.”
I glance back at him and ask, “Do you really have to?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“Because... I have to see my friend.”
With my arms still wrapped around him, I rest my forehead on his right temple and groan, “Oh, “Andy,” it’s not gonna be the same without you.”
“I know. We’ll still see each other. Come to San Bernardino.”
“I will.”
I face him. I look into his eyes and caress his head from fore to nape. “You know, I live alone in my apartment in L.A. You’re always welcome to come over.”
Looking ever longingly into his eyes, I raise the ante of my invitation. “We can do anything we want.”
I look intently back and forth at his lips and his eyes and we were at it again. I thrust my body off the passenger seat and put my weight on him. As my tongue explored the innards of his mouth with unconstrained excitement, my hand searched for the recliner lever of the seat. Dominion was my intention.
“No, don’t. It’s broken,” he advised.
The “stop sign" drove me even crazier. My tongue was relentless. I wanted our lips to mold together like cast iron. We were running out of breath. We stop just when our lungs were about to betray us.
“Andy” looks at me with bugged eyes in amazement. “You’re aggressive. I like that.”
“I just started last night, buddy. Wait ‘til you see what more I got.”
We were insatiable of each other’s tongues, and lips, and breaths. He guides my hand to his crotch and I squeeze his erect penis from the outside of his pants. My penis was struggling to get out of the cramped space inside my shorts. I could feel my brief starting to get sticky and wet.
Every orgasmic moan he makes hardens my penis even further, as if there were new spaces for blood flowing in to fill my seemingly limitless appendage. If his moan was the pinnacle of our foreplay, we have had multiple orgasms already.
I didn’t know whether he wanted to go all the way right there and then. The situation was definitely riskier than last night as we were in a public place with a lot of people roaming around - and it was daytime.
When we reached a breather he reiterated about going home, “Okay, come on, let’s go.”
“Why?”
“Because... I have family matters to attend to.”
I take a deep breath and regretfully sigh, “Alright.”
I open the door and step out. He turns his car. I keep my eyes on him as his car rolls down the driveway. He waves at me as he drives away.
I run after him. He sees me and stops. When I catch up with him, I slip my body into the passenger window and reach for a kiss.
And we kiss for the last time.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
When he left, I felt an unshakable sense of uncertainty, like something was amiss. My heart felt heavy. Somehow something just didn’t feel right.
I spent the afternoon at the lake with newfound friends, but deep inside I was pining for him. No matter what I do, where I was or who I was with, I felt incomplete.
Dusk came. I texted him before heading down the mountain. “R u home safe?”
“Yeah,” he texted back.
When I reached San Bernardino my shin was sore from driving so I pulled over somewhere. I was adamant to see where he lives. I call his number. Voicemail. I didn’t leave a message. I thought, it’s not meant to be, so I drove home.
All the way on 10 West I was texting him a stanza of a childhood love song every 20 minutes. I was done by the time I got home.
I couldn’t stop thinking of him that night. My mind kept playing a movie of our passionate moments. What happened between us in Big Bear is by far the most exhilarating thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life. Every second of memory is worth reminiscing.
Back at work the next morning after a week’s vacation, I felt so elated that I was embracing and kissing everyone. My colleagues noticed. They ask why. When I tell them it’s because I miss them they wouldn’t believe me.
“No, it’s not that. Something’s going on and you’re not telling us.”
“Whatever it is, we like it!”
At the end of the day I wanted to find out how he’s doing despite the wildfire ravaging San Bernardino. I call his number. Voicemail. I email him instead.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Tuesday morning “Andy” broke his silence. He sent me a most startling text message:
“Dont text me anymore i dont like u”
I stood shocked-stiff trying to make sense of what he just texted. I read the message over and over and stare at it trying to fathom what it meant and if it meant something other than how I understood it.
I call his number. Voicemail. I didn’t leave a message. I try to think of a sensible reply text. But even before I could think of one he sent me another jolt.
“Lose my number”
I tried to compose myself and an email. At the same time I was struggling to send him a reply text. In my heart I was desperately seeking for answers. I was at a loss for words.
“Why, “Andy,” why? What happened? I don’t understand.”
These words howled repetitively in my mind.
I wanted to seem cool about the whole thing so I composed a text message that didn’t seem hurting. I wanted to come across levelheaded. I wasn’t finished with my first reply text when I accidentally “sent” it.
Nevertheless, he fired another callous text at me.
Even then, I still managed to put levity and a smiley on my next message.
It was the heat of the moment and I was angry - at him, at me, at us. I channeled my energy into carefully encoding a no-nonsense text message. When I was satisfied with what I came up with, I sent it.
Despite the emotional turmoil, I believe I was also able to come up with a grounded email. Following is most of its contents.
See you around
Hi, ____!
You texted me to stop texting you. Should I stop calling and emailing you as well? (,")
Okay, so you don't like me. That's okay. Once again, thanks for letting me know. At least we're not going to waste any more of each other's time. Don't be afraid to talk to me. I'm not angry.
I'm just a little confused considering the words that came out of your mouth and the actions you initiated. Were they just to lure me into having sex with you? We were almost successful except we weren't in a very convenient location - a car - mine at first, yours the next day.
I can't help but wonder, did you even like me at all, even a little bit, when we were kissing & touching each other? I kind of felt your distance the next morning. You were not as enthusiastic. You seemed to have gone the exact opposite direction.
What is it that you didn't like about me? Never having had sex before? I'd appreciate it if you let me know. Say what you want to say as long as you tell me the truth. And don't worry, I'm not going to change for you. I can live with someone not liking me in a particular way.
You don't want me to pursue you. Done.
You want me to lose your number. Done.
I'm not a very hard person to talk to. But I sincerely hope there will be no cold air between us, considering we now have friends in common - Rich & Ed. I'd still want to go out with them, even with you in tow.
And just so you know, I started to really like you, specially upon discovering our things in common. I also felt quite comfortable with you, like you said you were with me - if that was true at all. I was strongly - and finally after a very long time - considering going physically intimate with someone - you. I was willing to go all the way and give myself to someone - you. But I guess that's not the way things are going to go.
Well, take care, ____. I am really glad you are very close to your family. Love your mother like she's the only one you have left in the world. Good luck with your life plans.
Peter
I was depressed the whole week. But I do manage a smile and a laugh every now and then. I can be quite successful in masking my feelings: I enjoyed a concert at the Hollywood Bowl with good old friends, toured WeHo with newfound friends, and even went on a dinner date.
But I can also be very transparent. And sometimes my mood simply emanates from within, and the people I spend most of my waking time with - colleagues - can't help but notice.
I have in my iPhone the song on the radio that lullabied me to sleep that momentous night. I keep playing it even though the melody and lyrics pierce through my heart.
I listen to it every moment - while in the shower, during lunch break, washing dishes, doing laundry, cleaning up, taking a brisk walk, while driving.
I relish the pain it inflicts. Like lethal substance, I allow it to consume me. I sink deeper into an emotional abyss. It gives me reason to live - so I can wake up each morning for another day of dying.
Some people wait a lifetime For a moment like this Some people search forever For that one special kiss I can’t believe it’s happening to me Some people wait a lifetime For a moment like this
There we were in the middle of the dance floor sharing an ardent moment without a care in the world.
Our lips finally unlock. Our eyes meet. Our noses brush against each other. We take a deep breath. We smile and giggle at what we just did.
We continue to dance after our first passionate kiss. When we talk, our lips are ever closer to our ears and we could feel each other’s warm breaths as we speak.
“You’re so handsome,” “Andy” said to me.
“You think so? I never really thought about it that way,” I said mischievously. “My mother would agree with you.”
He would run his fingers through my face every now and then and look at me with playful eyes. He would stop his finger right on my lips and I'd suck on it to his pleasure. He would softly blow air towards me with his mouth to keep me cool.
He couldn’t seem to get enough of me. Each chance he gets, he locks eyes with me, looks at my lips with fervent craving, draws himself closer and kisses me. This would go on and on as evening turned to night.
At one point, he cranes his neck and offers it to me. By sheer instinct I figure out what I had to do. I kiss his neck, I lick his neck, I suck on his neck. I felt like a nocturnal animal feasting on fresh flesh.
We decided it was time for another round of drinks and we went to the bar together holding hands. We were inseparable.
The drink he ordered had a cherry in it. He holds the cherry by its twig and teases me to take it. I gladly oblige and pluck the cherry out of its twig, but I didn’t eat it yet. I hold it softly between my teeth.
I wrap my palms tenderly around his neck and draw his face closer to mine, and we partake of the one single cherry in my mouth. Our lips meet and we kiss. I cut the cherry in half with my bare teeth and gently push the other half into his mouth with my tongue.
Once more we were kissing, wildly, passionately. We couldn’t care less if there were people queuing up behind us and bartenders mixing drinks right in front of us.
Everything around us was a blur.
Everyone around us was nonexistent.
It was just me and him.
And it felt like forever.
“You never thought you’ll meet someone in Big Bear, did you?” “Andy” asked.
“Not at all. I’m still in disbelief as to what has transpired so far.” He was laughing. “This is beyond me. Forgive me if I’m reacting awkwardly.”
“You’re fine,” he assured.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Back on the dance floor, a man asks “Andy” if he wants to go to his hotel room with him. “Andy” shakes his head smiling, then hugs and kisses me, implying he’s already taken.
A man gestures he wants to exchange numbers with me. I smile, hold up my palm as a sign of gratitude and declination, then embrace “Andy” implying I’m already with someone.
As we were dancing I notice there were dark kiss marks on both sides of “Andy’s” neck. “Oh, my goodness, I left a mark on you! Your mom’s gonna kill me.”
“That’s okaaay,” he chuckled.
We reunite with our common friends on the dance floor, and everyone was teasing him about the hickeys he has. Deep inside I felt happy and proud being responsible for it. Funny thing, I didn’t know it was called a “hickey” until much later.
Some time during all the partying I had a chance to speak in private with two of our common friends. ”Something’s going on between “Andy” and me,” I confided.
One said, “And...”
The other said, “Obviously.”
“I’m scared,” I confessed. “I’ve never had a boyfriend in my entire life. What’s gonna happen now?”
“Just go with the flow.”
“Don’t read too much into things.”
“Have enough space to be your own selves.”
“Don’t worry too much. Enjoy the moment.”
I took their advice at heart.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
When the party was coming to an end, it felt to me like it wasn’t enough. I wanted the night to go on.
Soon everyone was at the parking lot. He could’ve taken a ride with them because they were staying together. But I hold him up right away and said, “I can take you home.” He conforms to my delight.
I felt nervous once we were both in my car. He was looking at me intently. I insert the car key into the slot and turn the car on. My struggle not to have an erection was in vain. I got a hard-on as soon as I rev up my engine and turn on my headlights.
Just then, he reaches his hand out to my face, turns it towards him, and we start to make out again. We continue where we left off back at the dance floor, this time with unbridled lust. We moaned as we pleased within the confines of my car.
Feeling it was going to go on for a little while, my hands search for the car’s control panel. In the midst of all the kissing and touching and moaning, I turn off my headlights and the car’s engine altogether.
He cranes his neck again and I let my lips and tongue play all around it. From his neck I slide up to his right ear and nibble on his lobe. My tongue soon finds its way into his ear canal. He moans even more as my tongue goes on a licking frenzy, my warm breath filling the crevices of his ear.
He grabs my crotch and feels my enlarged and rigid penis. As awkward as I am in this situation, all I could say again was, “Oh, my God!” I don’t remember how long his hand stayed on my pants.
He takes my hand and places it on his crotch. I could feel the length and contour of his rock-hard penis from the outside of the denim pants he was wearing. My reaction was as redundant as redundant can get, “Oh, my God!” As usual, I soon find my hand back with me.
We back off a little bit as we were huffing and puffing. We rest our heads on the car’s headrest facing each other and get lost in each other’s eyes.
“We have to go,” I said, catching my breath.
“Okay,” he acquiesced. But he betrays his word right there and lunges at me again. We were at it for quite a while this time.
When we got a break I reiterate with a final tone, “We really have to go.” He just nods. And I finally turn the car.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
As we were coming out of the parking lot, “Andy” asked, “Has anyone ever given you head while driving?”
“No.” With that “Andy” caressed my right thigh with his left hand and lowered his head towards my pants. He advanced his hand to my crotch and started to play with my penis from the outside.
“Hey, what are you doing? I’m driving,” I said with a giggle.
He sat back on his chair with a mischievous smile. “So no one has ever done that to you?”
“Nope. Nobody has ever seen it. Nobody has ever touched it.”
He looked a little confused. “But... you’ve had sex with a man before... right?” “Andy” asks with an iota of disbelief.
I take a deep breath and reply, “Nope. Never done it with a man nor with a woman.”
He looks at me with unparalleled yearning, caresses my nape with his left hand and says, “Ohhh...”
“Have you ever had sex with a man?” I interjected.
“I’ve had three boyfriends already.”
“Wow!” I said in surprise. “You’re way ahead of me, buddy.”
A brief silence passed and I ask, “So how was your first time?”
“It hurt.”
“Why?”
“Because I bottomed.”
“Oh...”
So, he’s not a virgin anymore, I thought. Who cares? I don’t care. I genuinely like him.
“But I’m not promiscuous. I only had sex with my boyfriends,” he clarified.
“Wow, me too. I mean, I’ve always wanted “it” to happen within a relationship, not anonymous; And I intend to keep it that way,” I declared.
“So, am I gonna be your very first boyfriend?” he asked.
I turn my face away from the road to look at him swiftly, and with a smile I said, “It looks that way.”
We got lost for a little bit finding the way back to their lodge. I told him, “Don’t worry. We get lost together anyway. It means we have more time with each other.” And he smiles in agreement.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
We finally drive up to their lodge. As I expected, “Good night” wasn’t going to be easy nor swift. We kiss once more. Everything we ever did from the dance party to the parking lot, we repeated with utmost pleasure: kissing, touching, exchanging sweat and saliva.
Another car’s headlight beams through my rear view mirror and we untangle. “Oh, God, I wish I could bring you up to the room right now!” “Andy” said in frustration. His friends are already home.
“If I can only bring you to the hostel where I’m staying, but they don’t allow outsiders. They have monitors to see who comes in and out,” I echoed.
It was a long kiss goodnight. Each time we tried to part ways, we are drawn back to each other’s eyes, and lips, and tongues, and hands, and breaths. We were all over each other again and again and again.
Finally in exasperation, “Andy” initiated, “I wanna do it right here, right now! I don’t care!” He starts to unbuckle his belt and unbutton his pants while his tongue frantically seeks out mine.
I didn’t feel comfortable doing it in the car nor safe doing it in a public place so I discouraged him. I held on to his hands and pleaded, “Don’t open it! Don’t open it!” Deep inside, it was also because I was afraid to traverse uncharted territory.
We were struggling with opposing forces. But I was stronger than him so once again he acquiesced. With regret I look into his eyes dolefully and tell him to, “Go. Good night.”
“Ohhh...” “Andy” laments.
“I knooow. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
He opens the passenger door. I grab his hand and pull him back to me. Now, I couldn’t get enough of him. I wrap my hands behind his head and press my lips ever firmly on his. I kissed him like it was the last time I was ever going to kiss him.
“You are not going to let me sleep tonight, you know that.” I teased.
“Yes, I do,” he said.
“Good night.”
“Good night.”
He finally opens the passenger door and steps out of my car. As soon as he closes the door, he slips himself right through the window and reaches for a kiss. And we kiss again.
“I’ll see you tomorrow,” I repeated.
“Hey, drive safely,” he advised.
I saw him disappear up to the staircase and I finally drive away. “Oh, my God, Peter, what did you just do?!” I talk to myself with mixed enthusiasm and anxiety as I headed off to my hostel.
When I got home I call his number. Voicemail.
“Hey, “Andy,” remember me? Hehe... Uhmn... Just wanted to make sure you got in the room safe... Okay... See you tomorrow.”
Not satisfied, I call our two common friends who were staying with him. They confirm he is safe inside the room with them. They still teased me about the hickeys. This is when I knew what it was called.
I found it hard to turn my eyes and mind off. I open the radio hoping it might help. A pop song was playing. As I listen to the lyrics, my eyes start to shut, my lips start to curve, and I slept with a smile on my face.
I never thought I would write about this incident in my life. When I came down from Big Bear Adventure Weekend, I thought this episode will be passed on like an oral tradition. As of this writing, no ears have ever heeded the story.
But at the end of my latest post, Introduction to WeHo, it seems it has been written to be written.
I MET SOMEONE IN BIG BEAR
His full name bears semblance to “Andy” and that’s how I will refer to him here. We met at the Bear Pool Party. His group of friends sat next to mine. Like most new encounters, we couldn’t care less about each other.
With conversations going smooth and camera flashes going off left and right, we warm up to each other. We both share a goofy sense of humor. He effortlessly laughs at my jokes and so do I at his. When someone cracks a joke, he looks at me to see if I’m laughing along with him.
Each time we talk we discover a common ground. We are both family-oriented as he is Latino and I’m Filipino, and we share a Hispanic heritage. He adores his mother as I do mine and we are both close to our siblings. His dad has drifted away from the family, I lost mine to illness.
I like his demeanor. He’s not loud or flamboyant, and he’s a little conservative. He doesn’t initiate flirting, and when someone flirts with him he just goes with the flow without giving too much of himself.
In that way, he is very much like me. I’m a small town boy with small town values, and I appreciate those traits of him deeply.
We laughingly admit to our gay moments which come fleetingly. We both feel awkward when complimented about our physical attributes. He is quite keen on gay rights of which I am a staunch supporter. He knows a little cooking; Same thing with me.
Most of all, both of us are single. I don’t know about his relationship history, but what matters is the present, right? I’ve never had anybody in my entire life. And if he would be the first, I wouldn’t mind at all.
I took notice of him all the more when his friends were teasing him about being a virgin. “Never tasted anyone. Never been tasted by anyone,” they jested. Not that being a virgin is important, but it struck a common chord. How wonderful it would it be if we were both each other’s first.
I show him all the pictures I have taken so far. “Wow, you take really good pictures,” he compliments.
“Want me to take a picture of you?” I offer.
“Nah, I don’t look good in pictures,” he declines.
How cute, I think to myself. He doesn’t realize how guapo he is.
The sun would set in a few hours, the crowd was ebbing, and it was time to call it a day at the pool. Everyone said goodbye and promised to see each other at the Sweat Dance later in the evening.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
I went back to the hostel where I was billeted, took a bear nap, showered, and got myself ready. I was going to meet him and his friends at their lodge and we were going to go to the dance together.
When I got to their unit, everyone takes notice of the paisley-patterned shirt I was wearing. He looks at me in quiet admiration. I didn’t want him to notice that I noticed so I smile at him only briefly then make myself comfortable in their company.
When it was time for everyone to hop into a car, I notice we were both ready to take our own. “Hey, you can ride with me if you want,” I suggested. He agrees. I am pleased. He was the only one who rode with me. We had ourselves solely to each other.
The night was still young when we arrive at the venue. Fellow bears were already there but no one was dancing yet. I scout around for bears whose pictures I took. I wanted to show them their photos.
But before heading off I told “Andy’s” friend, “I’m gonna go around. Stay with him. Don’t leave him on his own.” I saw “Andy” smile from my peripheral vision. He seemed to have appreciated the gesture of protection.
Several more minutes and the convention center was starting to get packed. Bears invade the dance floor and start the Sweat Dance. “Hey, you wanna dance?” “Andy” asks.
“Sure,” I respond nonchalantly. He offers me his hand, I take it, and we were holding each other’s as we walk towards the dance floor. I have butterflies in my stomach as we make our way through the crowd.
DJs David Wade and John Le Page were doing a good job because no sooner was the dance floor teeming with a lot of people. “Andy” and I were dancing together. Some friends and acquaintances join in and we all took turns in partnering one another.
The Sweat Dance is the last nighttime event so we partied to the hilt. We were dancing, singing, taking pictures, and drinking.
One thing I did that I’ve never done before is the sandwich; three or more people dance closely with bodies rubbing against each other. I learn a little later that grinding is a variation and involves the hips (read: crotch).
I felt a little uneasy and was probably reacting awkwardly, but others were doing it naturally, including “Andy”. I didn’t know where to put my hands, specially with “Andy”. I didn’t want to touch him improperly.
At times when it was just the two of us dancing, “Andy” would take my hands and put it in some parts of his body as he pleased. Nothing shocking, but I just let him guide me. And my hands are usually back with me in a short while.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
“Andy” and I went to the bar to get drinks and a breather. “You’re very respectful,” he observes. I smile at him, deep inside feeling good that someone still appreciates chivalry in these times.
When we got our drinks, he offers his elbow to me gesturing to lock mine with his. I gladly did and we went closer to the dance floor with elbows interlocked. “So am I your impromptu boyfriend?” he asks.
“Yes, by default” I answer. We both laugh and join the crowd again.
One has to compete with blaring music to carry a conversation on the dance floor. But I didn’t really mind because it was half-erotic as we had to strain and put our lips near our ears to hear each other well.
“You dance pretty well,” he says.
“Why, thank you. You’re pretty comfortable on the dance floor, yourself,” I say back.
“Andy” keeps trying to catch my eyes with his. I feel uncomfortable, but I like it. Each time he makes an attempt, I try my best to look at him straight in the eye as well. Our eyes meet longer at each time.
Several attempts later and in a sudden burst of yearning, “Andy” rests his hands on my shoulders, draws himself closer to me, and plants his lips on mine. He stands back a little, smiling at me.
“Whoa...” I said slowly with eyes bugged. I must’ve looked stupid because I was startled.
I start to put on a smile, but before I could make it full, he nestles my face on his two hands, draws me closer to him and kisses me again, this time longer and slipping me his tongue. When he stepped back to see my reaction, all I could say was “Oh, my God!”
He smiles even more and puts his arms around me, his head resting on mine, his warm breath flowing through my neck. “Did that just happen?” I ask. With his arms still wrapped around me, he angles his head so he’s facing me, and looks into my eyes longingly.
“I can’t believe this is happening,” I reiterate.
“Believe it,” he commands.
Our lips lock, our tongues meet, our chests press against each other. He guides my hands through his hips to his buttocks. I grab both cheeks firmly and he let out a subdued moan as we were still kissing.
In the midst of boot stomping, disco music blaring, and bears growling, I could hear nothing but our hearts beating in unison and our tongues frantically frolicking in each other’s mouths. Our kiss turns from mild to wild, as if we were taking each other’s breaths away.
I went to West Hollywood last night for the very first time. My newfound fellow furry friends from Big Bear invited me to dance the night away on Labor Day weekend. They also wanted to give me a freshman tour of the gay mecca of Los Angeles.
We went bar-hopping: Micky’s, Motherlode, The Abbey and The Factory. Liquor, finger foods, nicotine, topless male bartenders, flamboyant drag queens, skimpily-clad dancers, lots of eye candy, and a killer dance mix. Everyone was in a party mood.
A few came alone, some as couples, others in groups. There were women in the crowd, too, who came with their boy friends. Some places have several dance floors. Even then, personal space diminishes as the night wears on.
WeHo still has shock value for me even after Big Bear Adventure Weekend 2009. The main shocker are the go-go boys - men wearing almost nothing dancing on ledges, gyrating on poles and inside cages, and making erotic moves that mimic sex.
We were drinking, laughing, eating, flirting, dancing. We were having fun. Randy partied like there’s no tomorrow, having only come out three years ago at 50. Fred’s social skills were at max level, dancing with anyone left and right.
Ed fell flat on his face after attempting to ensconce himself on a poled ledge. It was the funniest moment of the night. Nestor got a pleasant surprise finding out that an old friend of his is a go-go dancer in one of the clubs.
As for me, I offered to take pictures of couples & groups who were trying to do it on their own. But most of the time I was just standing on a corner, drinking vodka, trying to absorb the spectacle unfolding before my eyes.
Six hours into partying, I decided to call it a night earlier than my company. I thanked them for a wonderful time and headed towards Angelino. The night was still young. Party places I sauntered past were still booming.
The setting and the crowd reminds me strongly of happy times in Big Bear. But in the midst of festive music, jovial chatter and collective merriment, I couldn’t help but feel empty. I hate to admit but I could only think of one reason - I Met Someone In Big Bear, and he wasn’t there.
John Williams is at the Hollywood Bowl every summer, and I pledge to always be there when the maestro of movie music conducts under the stars and enraptures the City of Angels.
Thumbnail photo is a link to an online album. Links to posts about previous concerts appear below.
Thumbnail photos are links to an online album. Click on each one to be redirected.
It's a summer to remember up in Big Bear Lake, CA where I volunteered for a gay event. Big Bear Adventure Weekend 2009 is the first annual summer party for hairy gay men and their admirers.
I've never been to any gay event or venue ever since I came to the US the last two years, and BBAW is the perfect opening act for my orientation to the gay scene.
When I first laid eyes on him, my camera called on me to capture the moment. Standing beside a counter looking poised, his eyes were the epitome of unabashed calmness.
It was not until I mustered up enough courage to strike a conversation with him in the pool that I knew who he was - DJ John Le Page.
A perfect way to end the 3-day summer fun. We were so hot (I'm talking temperature) we gobbled up our ice creams before we can even think of taking pictures of it.
If you're planning on going to Big Bear, consider Big Bear Hostel. Share the room, the bath, the kitchen, the living room, and gain new friends - without hurting your wallet. It's $28/night. Can you beat that?
