I Met Someone In Big Bear: Reflection

I fathomed for comprehension. I sought out for explanation. Until now I’m still empty-handed. I never unequivocally understood why, all of a sudden, “Andy” didn’t want to have anything to do with me after what we shared.

Where did his amorous words come from? What did his acts of passion mean? How could he have made a complete turnaround?

Maybe he has a boyfriend and just wanted to have a go with me. Maybe he’s still in the closet and didn’t want to keep any ties he made. Maybe he’s an asshole. :)

Questions will remain unanswered. Speculations will remain unfounded. For how long, I don’t know and I don’t care. He never replied to me in any way - text, email or phone call. I’ve wrestled enough with confusion. I’m still wondering but I have stopped asking.

It’s been three weeks. I’m better now. I’ve been burned but it’s not that bad. I mean, come on, we only met over the weekend. I’m not going to let this almost stranger get the better of me.

This is the problem with some people like me who have been Single Since Birth or been through only a few relationships. We jump at the first sight of a seemingly ideal partner. We put our hearts out there too fast. We tend to get swept away when - the one we think is the one - is right before us.

Friends tell me:
“It’s going to be alright...”
“You’ll meet someone else...”
“Everything’s gonna be fine...”
"Don't worry, he will come..."

My friends mean well. These words are well-intended. But no offense - I’m kind of fucking sick and fucking tired fucking hearing and fucking reading them. It’s been thirty fucking years. WTF?

{Deep breath} Sorry...

“Andy” didn’t leave me brokenhearted. He didn’t have my heart in the first place. I’m relieved we didn't go all the way. I can’t imagine how devastated I would be if we did and he rejects me. Way to go for my first.

If anything, he left me wiser and bolder. He left me knowing myself better. I guess I’m not a player. I can’t be someone I’m not or don’t want to be.

But I believe that can change as I wish or will. Being a player, there’d be no hang-ups. You can play all you want and never get hurt. Change is constant. Change is good.

Maybe I’ll be a player. No hang-ups. Play all you want. Don't fall in love. Never get hurt.

Or maybe I’ll switch teams. As I've written in Single Since Birth, women give me better pick-up lines than men. And I have the physiological faculty to do what a man’s gotta do on a particular department.

Or maybe I’ll just be single for the long haul. I’ve gotten quite comfortable being uncommitted for the last 30 years of my life anyway.

Or maybe I’ll let a dog into my life again. He’ll be loyal. I’ll be devoted. It’s a perfect unconditional relationship.

Or maybe... just maybe... I need to - just - let - go.

Yeah... I think it’s about time to let go.

I’m going to let myself go.

Bring it on destiny.

I’m ready to play.

I Met Someone In Big Bear Part 1
I Met Someone In Big Bear Part 2
I Met Someone In Big Bear Part 3
I Met Someone In Big Bear: Gratitude